Reason for Living Some times I may feel down and even depressed and wonder what purpose am I fulfilling on this earth. Some times I may feel totally inadequate and as if some thing is wrong because I don't meet my expectations which I have gotten from this world. Some times I get really frustrated with my own inadequacies and failures. Some times I have fears that things will only get worse and that I can't handle life. I some times get so many negative thoughts towards myself and the human race as a whole. I see all the negative things people do from the rudeness and lack of love towards one another to seeing the right down reprobate demonic things people do that I can't believe people could even act upon the evil thoughts that enter their minds. This leads me to think about the "good old days" my parents and other adults protrayed to me that occured in the 40's and 50's. Where people had time to share their lives with one another. Where the neighbor welcomed you in and gave you a bit to eat with some tea. Where the earth was pure from all effects of pollution and you could readily drink nice cold water from the mountain spring. Where a women could walk down the streets of Manhattan in perfect peace. Where it was safe for children to talk to strangers and all adults helped raise and mold children to be good responsible citizens. There was a simplicity and innocence. Where gay meant happy. Just about all single women were virgins and young men were gentlemen who courted their dates. Where the greatest discipline problem in school was chewing gum. The trees were green in summer. The flowers were in full bloom and there was snow in the winter. People genuinely cared for one another. I remember seeing this love in the elderly when I was a child. I never encountered an elderly person who did not have time and love for anyone who showed them a little attention. I remember thinking "What happened to my parents' generation." because I saw no flaw in my grandparents' generation. Later I learned that God had his hand on me and greatly used my maternal grandparents who I believe to this day had said many prayers for me and my family. God used my maternal grandparents, maternal great grandmother and maternal great aunt to greatly influence my life. I was accepted and loved by them unconditionally and all the time. I never felt any type of rejection by them. However rejection was a common feeling I got from my peers as a small child. As a child and young adult I felt a lot of rejection and inadequacies mostly from my peers. This has lead to a lot of negative feelings. We all have "issues" which get us down and some people even commit suicide as a result of their "issues". However no matter how bad things may get in this world I do feel a comfort from God. God either fills me with His peace & comfort or sends someone across my path who inspires me. Read the email at the bottom of the page for an example of what God can do. God had a hold of me as a small child and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior as a young child at a Methodist summer camp. However I had no teaching as a child. Unfortunately there are many churches which do not teach God's word and His plan of salvation or how to grow as a disciple. As a young adult God brought me to a church which preached His Word but did have some errors which caused me to seek out answers. This God revealed to me and is no longer any concerns pertaining to differences in denominations. God revealed Himself and educated me on who the trinity is and what they do. I then got a full understanding of Jesus Christ, God the Father & the Holy Spirit. This is when I got a firm foundation to build my life upon. Before I didn't have a foundation and had an empty space. Now no matter what life brings I have a solid foundation. God will teach me things in each trial and tribulation I go through. Now I look at each problem or trial as what am I suppost to learn from it. I have a sense of hope. God will reveal things to me through these turbulant times and brings me through them. He even will use these times to build my character and enable me to reach to others. That is the reason I keep going and reach out to help others. He commands us to love our neighbor as ourselves and to treat others as we want others to treat us. He also does not let us endure any hardships which He knows we can not endure. Trials build up patience which helps build up brotherly kindness which leads to godly character. This leads to peace, joy, comfort, and love. God gives us a peaceful and calm lifestyle. He does tell us to live at peace as much as possible with all people. He does give us the strength to do this. If you would like to have this foundation and reassurance of your salvation knowing you will live in eternity with God, all you have to do is simply ask Jesus Christ into your heart and ask him to forgive you for your sins and to work in your life to mold you and use you to do His will. To grow in His Word, I encourage you to read His Word, the Bible, and pray daily. That is how we grow in knowing Him. The story of the farmer sowing seeds describes this. The farmer threw seeds on the ground. Some fell on the path which was eaten by the birds. Some fell on the ground and sprouted but soon withered up and died. Some fell on the ground and grew but thorns grew up around them and they produced little fruit. Some grew in good soil and grew and produced a lot of fruit. The seeds represent God's Word or testimony (here). The seeds that fell on the path represents those who don't listen and say "I don't need that" or "I don't want to hear that" (or I'm offended by hearing religious stuff). The seeds that fell on the ground but grew & died represent those who accept the Word but then doesn't really accept Jesus into their heart & doesn't grow spiritually. They don't read God's word, pray or get into fellowship with other believers. The seeds that grow among the thorns are those christains who get too wraped up in the things of the world and don't really let Christ work in their lives. The seeds that grow and produce a lot of fruit are those who grow in God's Word, truely seek God's will & let God use them every day. They do bring a lot of people to the Lord through their love and kind deads. It is also good to get into a church which teaches God's Word and helps people to grow in God's Word and serve God. You can tell a true christain by their fruits (actions). You can tell a good Church that serves God by it's fruits (way the people act in the church, the way they treat one another and visitors, how they treat members of the community and how they reach out to help others in their community, city and people far away). Does the church preach God's Word and do the people strive to live it. Now every church has hipocrites and every christain will sin. The difference in a true christian is do they keep committing the same sin knowing it's sin or do they repent and no longer commit that sin. Do they strive to serve God and do you see a change in them over time? Do they become more like Christ over time? (The believers were called Christians in Antioch because they acted like Jesus Christ.) The choice is yours! God gives us all a free will. However there is only one way to the Father and that is through Jesus Christ. John 3:16 I found out early on that I have a bicornate uterus, which causes the uterus to become almost a heart shape rather than the tradition oval.To add more complication, it is also knows as didelphus, which means that each side is separated with a septum, almost causing two separate compartments. I knew from the beginning it would be more difficult to conceive when the time came and also knew the baby would be small due to the confined space. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, however, my second attempt was successful. I was a small baby (5.5 lbs), my mother was 4.5 lbs and my grandmother 2.5 lbs, so the likelihood of a larger baby was remote, which was good news. That meant a smaller baby wouldn't be as confined. My pregnancy was considered "high risk" and I was sent to a paranatal clinic almost from the beginning for regular ultrasounds and other tests. Close to the 30th week, the doctor told me that the baby wasn't growing as fast as they would like so we would likely schedule a c-section delivery (she was breech) at 38 weeks. At 32 weeks she was only in the 12th percentile for her gestation period and the doctor warned we may need to schedule the c-section for 37 weeks and she would still be considered full term. At 34 weeks she fell below the 10th percentile (only gaining 2 ounces rather than the standard 1 lb per 2 weeks for her gestation) resulting in a condition called IUGR (Intrauterine growth retardation or restriction) so we scheduled the c-section for the Monday beginning my 37th week. During the 35th and 36th week I was seen for regular stress tests and ultrasounds and at 36 weeks I went for one final visit. That day the amniotic fluid had dropped and the doctors made the decision to deliver that afternoon. Jordan was born July 23, 1999 at 4:30 PM weighing 4 lbs 6 oz and was 17 1/4 inches in length. She was sent to a Level 2 NICU and I was warned that common problems with IUGR babies are apnea, bradycardia and digestion problems...Jordan had all 3. The first few days she was only able to drink 3-5 cc's per feeding (about 1/2 teaspoon). She was on an IV and put under a heat light 24 hours a day. On the 7th day, she developed a fever, which for a premature infant was the sign of a serious problem. She was immediately placed on 2 very strong antibiotics that had the potential long term affects of hearing loss. After a spinal tap and many, many other blood tests, they discovered a blood bacterial infection likely caused by the IV's. During this time she also had relapses on her eating so they would stop her feedings for a day or so and we would have to start all over with the 5 cc's and sometimes feed her through a tube through her nose because she would get so tired. As the days went on, Jordan's blood infection healed and eventually she began to eat and digest properly. After 4 weeks in the hospital, Jordan was able to come home on a heart monitor that she wore for 4 months. Now, at almost 4 years old, Jordan is a healthy, happy little girl. She's a little on the small side...averages about 10th percentile in weight but she has been cleared from all affects of the IUGR. In fact, Jordan has less illnesses than most of her friends that were born with no problems at all! During our hospital stay, we met another couple that had an IUGR baby boy 2 weeks earlier, and we have remained the best of friends. I fact, they have had their 2nd baby boy and I am the proud God Mother! I believe that the Grace of God healed Jordan and made her the healthy preschooler she is today. Her story is a testament to the powers our Lord has and delivers each day to those who have faith. Attached is a picture of Jordan at 8 days with a 4 inch beanie baby and one taken recently. Tracy